I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
