i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
