If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
