having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Randomize
