you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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