Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
you never un-have a 4some
Randomize
