If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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