I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
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