my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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