I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Randomize
