Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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