I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
