i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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