She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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