So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.