How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
