Dude, just got a bummer.
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?