she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy