A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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