from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
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Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
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I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
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