before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
