Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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