Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
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But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
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I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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