I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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