She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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