I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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