I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
