I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
