please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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