I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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