I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
