i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
