Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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