how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
