We won't sleep together?
he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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