last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
