her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
