How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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