it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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