The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
