she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
