dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
