I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
