it wasn't lemon gatorade
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
