I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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