I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
