96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
