this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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