i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
