theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Still dying that you shit outside
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
