So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
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I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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