I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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