my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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