I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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