i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
