Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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