The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
