I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
