I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
